How can you tell the difference between a plumber and a chemist?
The way they pronounce unionized.
A physicist, an engineer, and a mathematician are staying in neighboring rooms at a hotel for a conference.
In the middle of the night, a faulty outlet sparks a fire in the hallway. The physicist wakes up, sees the fire, fills the ice bucket up with water and uses it to extinguish the fire. He goes back to bed satisfied.
A bit later, another fire breaks out. This time, the engineer wakes up, sees the fire, does a quick calculation and fills his ice bucket 3/4 full. He just barely extinguishes the fire, and goes back to bed satisfied.
Later yet, the fire starts again. This time the mathematician wakes up, sees the fire, sees the ice bucket, announces “A solution exists!” and goes back to bed satisfied.
There are 10 types of people. Those who get binary and those who don’t.
There are two types of people in the world:
- Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data
Three logicians walk into a bar. The bartender asks: “3 beers?”
The first one responds: “I don’t know”
The second one responds: “I don’t know”
The last one responds: “Yes, please!”
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into the bar. The first guy asks for one beer. Next guy asks for 1/2 a beer. Next guy asks for 1/4 beer. Bartender slaps the next guy and gives the group two beers.
How many math professors does it take to change a lightbulb?
The answer is trivial and the proof is left as an exercise to the reader.
Bartender: “We don’t serve faster-than-light particles here!”
A tachyon walks into the bar.
Two chemists walk into a bar.
The first one says, “I’ll have some H2O.”
The second one says, “I’ll have some H2O, too.”
They drink their drinks.
The second chemist dies.
This always reminds me of
"Oh, Johnny was a chemist’s son
But Johnny is no more
For what Johnny thought was H20
Was H2SO4!"
Is Psychiatry still a science?
- How many Freudians does it take to change a lightbulb?
-
- One to change the bulb and the other to hold my mother…I mean the LADDER!
Heisenberg and Schrodinger are in a car. They get pulled over.
Heisenberg is driving, and the cop asks him, “Do you know how fast you were going?”
“No, but I know exactly where I am,” Heisenberg replies.
The cop says, “You were going 140 km/h, were only 120 is allowed”
Heisenberg throws up his hands and shouts, “Great! Now I’m lost!”
The cop thinks this is suspicious and orders him to pop open the trunk. He checks it out and says, “Do you know you have a dead cat back here?”
“We do now, you bastard!” shouts Schrodinger.
I heard that one as Heisenberg, Schrodinger, and Ohm, and continuing from your joke, the police officer arrests all of them. Ohm resists.
I’ve read that one too, I found it a bit thin, as both the Heisenberg and Schrodinger bits of the joke require s bit of knowledge of the theory, whereas Ohm is only known for the theory of resistance. Now if fort instance the flow of traffic was impeded, Ohm his resistance would relate to his theory.
Alessandro Volta, André-Marie Ampère, and Georg Ohm are in a car…
I had to look up the joke.
The Heisenberg principle says you can’t know both a particles position and momentum (speed).
So when the cop told him his speed, he lost his position.
I heard another one with Heisenberg where he ran a red light and got pulled over by a cop, and tried to defend himself by saying that the speed at which he was driving, red traffic lights appear to be green because of Doppler effect (or Raleigh Scattering, I don’t recall) - and the cop smirks, “that would be some serious speed, huh?”
Why do programmers confuse Halloween and Christmas? Because OCT 31 == DEC 25.
Oh wow!
Would you like to hear a TCP joke?
I would like to hear a TCP joke.
Here is your TCP joke.
I have received your TCP joke. *laughter*.
—-
I’d tell you a UDP joke but I’m afraid you wouldn’t get it.
I will tell you an UDP joke, but you won’t get it. I will also tell you a TCP joke, and if you won’t get it, I will repeat.
There are 10 kinds of people in this world.
- Those that know binary.
- Those that don’t.
- And those that didn’t expect this joke to be in base 3.
EDIT:
A statistician, a biologist, and a mathematician are sitting in a cafe watching the building across the street. 2 people enter the building. Some time later, 3 people come back out.
- The statistician says, “Our initial count must’ve been off.”
- The biologist replies, “I think they probably reproduced.”
- The mathematician observes, “Now if exactly one person enters the building it will be empty.”
My favourite is: There are two kinds of people, those that can extrapolate from incomplete data.
I suppose we could combine them.
There are 10 kinds of people…
- Those that know binary
- Those that don’t
- Those who didn’t expect this joke to be in base 5
- Those that can extrapolate from incomplete data sets
You will need a fifth statement
Or the two hardest things in IT:
-
Cache invalidation
-
Naming things
-
Off-by-one errors
This is my favorite IT joke
-
Three logicians walk into a bar. The barman asks if they all want a beer.
The first says “I don’t know”, the second says “I don’t know”, the third says “yes”.
Also, pretty much all of Futurama.
That one took me a second, but it’s a good one
I needed it explained to me when I first heard it :-)
I probably would have got it after a few more hours of processing… I hope.
Explanation for anyone looking for one:
The bar man asked them if “they all” want a beer.
The first logician wanted one but didn’t know whether the other two wanted one each or not, so he said “I don’t know.”
The second realised that the first one wanted a beer and he himself wanted a beer but he didn’t know about the third logician, so he said “I don’t know”.
The third logician realised that both of the other logicians wanted a beer and he himself wanted a beer, so he said yes.
If any one of them didn’t want a beer they would have immediately said no since logically the answer to the barman’s question “do you all want a beer?” Would have been no.
A photon checks into a hotel:
“One room for the night, please.”
“Very well, any bags to check?”
“Nope, I’m travelling light.”
A couple of fun limericks:
There was a young woman named Bright
Whose speed was much faster than light.
She set out one day
In a relative way,
And returned on the previous night.
There was a young chemist from Ryde,
Who drank a foul poison and died.
It was ortho-hydroxy-
para-methoxy-
tri-nitro benzaldehyde!
A woman in liquor production
Owns a still of exquisite construction.
The alcohol boils
Through magnetic coils.
She says that it’s “proof by induction.”
Poor Billy chemist will see his face no more
For what he thought was H2O
Was H2SO4
