That reminds me. I’m gonna need to designate someone to delete all these dick pics after I’m gone.

Something I learned a long time ago: I should never, no matter the circumstances, be trusted with large sums of money.

I once came into a substantial amount of money via an insurance settlement. Did I invest it? Pay off debts? Create a rainy day fund? HA! Gambling, drugs, hookers, drugs for the hookers…I lived like Caligula for almost two years. Debauchery was my middle name. And if I ever came into money like that again, I’d do the exact same thing, because it was fucking awesome!

That’s a weird way to describe the Chinese government.

This little thing of people getting Illuminati invites is giving me an idea for a movie…

So in my movie, a group of dudes decide to start calling themselves The Illuminati, just for the fuck of it. It’s just a name after all, and they don’t really do anything but get together and drink or fish or just do dude stuff. They make a little Facebook page for their Illuminati group that’s just pictures of them having fun.

But then they start getting contacted by world governments asking them to do like really high level stuff. Like, one country wants them to engineer a famine in a rival country, another needs them to help them cover up a UFO crash near a small town. Any they don’t know how to do any of this shit. James is an electrician. Edward teaches eighth grade Spanish. The hell do they know about being a shadow government? So now, they have to figure out how to do all this stuff while still making it look like they’re just some happy weed smoking dudes who like to hang out and have fun together.

No one ever asks me to join the Illuminati. 😔

Right? Expose your baby to quality music, like Lorna Shore.

I’m just here to bask in the duality of humankind.

Anyone reading this play in a punk band? Cause I just found your next album cover.

All gather and stand in awe at the majesty of the mustard tiddy!

Best. Day. Ever.

When I was in college I decided to go drag for Halloween. I got the gayest dude in our dorm to pick my outfit, wig, do my makeup, and make sure everything was perfect. Then a bunch of us went bar hopping and it was easily one of the best nights of my college life.

Relatable

I’d like some clarification about how the Karl Marx part of my brain feels about Mondays.

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There any love here for Icthyosaurus?

Just looks like a big derpy lemony shaped dolphin, with a snoot that 76% more boopable.

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I once saw a group of four or five seagulls gleefully dismember and eat a crab alive.

I’m not saying you shouldn’t, I’m just saying…that’s a possibility.

I joined the army because I had no idea what to do with my life.

35 years later I still have no idea what to do with my life.

That’s my 20!

Little fuckass wingrat took my 20, took his picture with it and calls himself TeH mOneY PiDGiN and acts all benign and shit.

Fucker bought meth with it. Asshat.